Disappearing tenants, a burst water main and not enough Weird Sex…

Having almost got the Malta house redecorated ready for the impending summer season, I was looking forward to getting ‘Weird Sex’ ready for its imminent publication on Kindle when I had to hurriedly fly back to the UK to investigate the sudden disappearance (following bounced rent cheques) of my tenants in Guildford – a seemingly respectable married couple I interviewed myself in September.

Arriving outside the house and finding that my key didn’t unlock it, a friendly neighbour informed me that the tenants hadn’t been seen for a couple of months, that the husband was apparently in Gibraltar avoiding prosecution for corporate embezzlement and his pregnant wife in New York. Thankful of finding a friendly locksmith willing to break in without a court order, I got inside and found evidence of them having left in a hurry. Amongst other things, they had left a tank full of tropical fish, but had apparently taken my washing machine and dishwasher. The cellar was full of boxes of their stored possessions and – following lengthy discussions with the local police about the shady dealings of my departed tenant and the doubt over the whereabouts of his wife – I reluctantly began to poke around in them. Thankfully, no body parts came to light, but the washing machine and dishwasher did (so I suppose every cloud has a silver lining?!) along with a mobile phone, from which the trusty neighbour extracted some phone numbers and proceeded to call them. A friend of the erstwhile tenants helpfully imparted the information that they were not in Gibraltar and New York at all, but up the road in Surrey. The plot thickens…

Without making a long and complicated story any longer, I’ll just say that I still haven’t discovered the complete truth, but have agreed to re-let the house (this time to corporate tenants found by Foxtons), that I have very little hope of recouping the lost rent, but that the police have given me a crime number for the case of the stolen washing machine and dishwasher (despite having been informed of their discovery when looking for a body in the basement).

Meanwhile, received a phone call from Lilian – otherwise known as the Mad Maltese Maid – to say there was water pouring through the ceiling of the kitchen in Malta…

Arrived back Malta in the early hours of the morning, found some Libyan plumbers who proceeded to dig up the floors and hack away at the walls of my (newly decorated) house in search of the source of the leak, but to no avail. After a bit of trial-and-error detective work on my part, it was discovered that the main supply to the tank on the roof was leaking somewhere underneath the washing machine (do I detect a pattern forming?). The best way forward seemed to be to replace it completely in order to avoid a recurrence when the house is full of paying guests. Trying to look on the bright side, I remained thankful that I wasn’t living in earthquake-hit Japan.


Earth tremors hit Malta



About drewthomasworld

A British writer - author of WEIRD SEX, WHAT A PERFORMANCE, BEAST WAGON & CURTAINS - I have had previous incarnations as a circus ringmaster, magazine editor, voice-over artist & yacht skipper. I am currently in the process of moving back to rural England from Malta. View all posts by drewthomasworld

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